I went to bed last night about an hour later than normal. I awoke over 10 hours later with a feeling of depression and generally feeling low. During the night my mind had played out a variation of a fairly regular scenario. I had sold the family farmhouse, as I actually did and my partner and I had bought a modern house nearby which was suitable on paper but just never felt like home. All of this echos the truth of my situation but the dream version of my family home is better than the reality and the modern home varies too in that it is better than the reality and reminds me of a home that I wanted to buy in 1996 but did not follow through with. In the dream version my partner and I are still together but in reality we separated.
I wanted to set this down as therapy for myself in order to seek clarity and to help others who may be in the same situation of regrets. I live with regrets and I replay the missed opportunities in my life. I want to move forward and to do so I know that I need to lay the ghosts to rest.
I wish I had used the money from the sale of the family home wisely. I missed another home which i so much regret as it would have been perfect. I wish I had been true to my partner. I wish I had taken work opportunities when they arose. I wish I had been stronger when my last employer dismissed me for failing to attend work - when I was having treatment for cancer. I wish I hadn't bought a new car I loathed and then had to sell at a loss.
I have these regrets and I live with the daily support, care and love of my two best friends; one of whom is my ex partner and the other is his wonderful partner. I am lucky in my family; brother, sister-in-law, cousin and in my fairly close friends. I am lucky in that I bought a home in the area I wanted, I am lucky in that I have sufficient income and resources to keep going. However something is missing and I feel a bit lost.
By coincidence, my old school has written to the old boys asking if those who wish can share their work experiences with the pupils and perhaps let them shadow the older man for work experience. l was lucky enough to go to a fee paying school with high standards. However, they never gave any life guidance. Of course we all want a successful and prosperous life but it is no good skating over the disappointments in life life. Of my school friends, one died in his 40's, another lost his wife at a similar age, one went to prison. In addition, there was divorce, business failure, cancer and other serious health issues plus no doubt many other calamities which they were probably unprepared to cope with. Being Gay and coming to terms with that is another issue which has varying degrees of import depending on the individual and the circumstances. There is also Transgender and Transsexual which will affect some people.
My life has been one of insecurities where I felt unprepared to deal with people and yet I was a good salesman. Confrontation concerned me and I could be, and was, taken advantage of. Is this due to being bullied at school? I still remember the perpetrators. Was it due to two masters there who abused pupils - not me thankfully although I was terrified of them both. Why do I remember the bad times with more clarity and frequency than I remember the good times.
I had wonderful times with my dear parents, I loved my Mum so much that I always said to myself 'what will I do when she goes'? In the event I haven't handled it very well I loved my jobs in Estate Agency, I had wonderful times with my partner. The three main dogs in my life so far were so special as were the dogs I had a passing connection with. I have survived two bouts of cancer and I am so lucky felt
If I were to go to the school to address the pupils I would enter the stage twice; the first time I would walk in stooped, not making eye contact and faltering in my speech. I would then leave and walk in again upright, looking at the audience and speaking clearly and firmly. I would say that the three characteristics required in life are Confidence, Compassion and Courage.
We need to be confident but not arrogant. I read once that the best way to appraise an opportunity is to say to yourself what is the best outcome that could happen and what is the worst outcome that could happen deal deal, The worst is the main one to consider such as 'Will I die' if I do this'? 'Will I be destitute if I do this'? Will I harm others if I do this'? Having addressed those one can then decide what it the best possible outcome. I used to go to London for Tarot readings but all the time the change needs to come from within. I found myself drinking more wine daily than was good for me but in October 2017 I had another health scare and I cut out alcohol altogether. I managed to have courage and self-will when it was important and I have published a page here on addiction. I did it, you can too.
Going back to life skills, I left school in the 1970's and boys at my school were not taught cooking, sewing, doing the laundry including ironing, typing, budgeting or basic D.I.Y. I assume the premise was that they were either women's work or that we will all earn enough to employ people to do those tasks. I did indeed earn enough at one time but ill health and poor decisions changed a lot of that. I learnt to cook basic meals, I work the washing machine and I iron adequately, I am learning D.I.Y. although I took quite a few hours this weekend to complete a simple task so that at least it worked.
My dream has galvanised me and I know that I must move forward. As yet, I don't know how but I am sure the knowledge will come.
I must have confidence, compassion and courage. I am lucky in the place I am in at this stage of my life. You and I will move forward together.
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