Angst after a Dream

I went to bed last night about an hour later than normal. I awoke over 10 hours later with a feeling of depression and generally feeling low. During the night my mind had played out a variation of a fairly regular scenario. I had sold the family farmhouse, as I actually did and my partner and I had bought a modern house nearby which was suitable on paper but just never felt like home. All of this echos the truth of my situation but the dream version of my family home is better than the reality and the modern home varies too in that it is better than the reality and reminds me of a home that I wanted to buy in 1996 but did not follow through with. In the dream version my partner and I are still together but in reality we separated.
I wanted to set this down as therapy for myself in order to seek clarity and to help others who may be in the same situation of regrets. I live with regrets and I replay the missed opportunities in my life. I want to move forward and to do so I know that I need to lay the ghosts to rest.
I wish I had used the money from the sale of the family home wisely. I missed another home which i so much regret as it would have been perfect. I wish I had been true to my partner. I wish I had taken work opportunities when they arose. I wish I had been stronger when my last employer dismissed me for failing to attend work - when I was having treatment for cancer. I wish I hadn't bought a new car I loathed and then had to sell at a loss.
I have these regrets and I live with the daily support, care and love of my two best friends; one of whom is my ex partner and the other is his wonderful partner. I am lucky in my family; brother, sister-in-law, cousin and in my fairly close friends. I am lucky in that I bought a home in the area I wanted, I am lucky in that I have sufficient income and resources to keep going. However something is missing and I feel a bit lost.
By coincidence, my old school has written to the old boys asking if those who wish can share their work experiences with the pupils and perhaps let them shadow the older man for work experience. l was lucky enough to go to a fee paying school with high standards. However, they never gave any life guidance. Of course we all want a successful and prosperous life but it is no good skating over the disappointments in life life. Of my school friends, one died in his 40's, another lost his wife at a similar age, one went to prison. In addition, there was divorce, business failure, cancer and other serious health issues plus no doubt many other calamities which they were probably unprepared to cope with. Being Gay and coming to terms with that is another issue which has varying degrees of import depending on the individual and the circumstances. There is also Transgender and Transsexual which will affect some people.
My life has been one of insecurities where I felt unprepared to deal with people and yet I was a good salesman. Confrontation concerned me and I could be, and was, taken advantage of. Is this due to being bullied at school? I still remember the perpetrators. Was it due to two masters there who abused pupils - not me thankfully although I was terrified of them both. Why do I remember the bad times with more clarity and frequency than I remember the good times.
I had wonderful times with my dear parents, I loved my Mum so much that I always said to myself 'what will I do when she goes'? In the event I haven't handled it very well I loved my jobs in Estate Agency, I had wonderful times with my partner. The three main dogs in my life so far were so special as were the dogs I had a passing connection with. I have survived two bouts of cancer and I am so lucky felt
If I were to go to the school to address the pupils I would enter the stage twice; the first time I would walk in stooped, not making eye contact and faltering in my speech. I would then leave and walk in again upright, looking at the audience and speaking clearly and firmly. I would say that the three characteristics required in life are Confidence, Compassion and Courage.
We need to be confident but not arrogant. I read once that the best way to appraise an opportunity is to say to yourself what is the best outcome that could happen and what is the worst outcome that could happen deal deal, The worst is the main one to consider such as 'Will I die' if I do this'? 'Will I be destitute if I do this'? Will I harm others if I do this'? Having addressed those one can then decide what it the best possible outcome. I used to go to London for Tarot readings but all the time the change needs to come from within. I found myself drinking more wine daily than was good for me but in October 2017 I had another health scare and I cut out alcohol altogether. I managed to have courage and self-will when it was important and I have published a page here on addiction. I did it, you can too.
Going back to life skills, I left school in the 1970's and boys at my school were not taught cooking, sewing, doing the laundry including ironing, typing, budgeting or basic D.I.Y. I assume the premise was that they were either women's work or that we will all earn enough to employ people to do those tasks. I did indeed earn enough at one time but ill health and poor decisions changed a lot of that. I learnt to cook basic meals, I work the washing machine and I iron adequately, I am learning D.I.Y. although I took quite a few hours this weekend to complete a simple task so that at least it worked.
My dream has galvanised me and I know that I must move forward. As yet, I don't know how but I am sure the knowledge will come.
I must have confidence, compassion and courage. I am lucky in the place I am in at this stage of my life. You and I will move forward together. 

The lasting effects of being in remission from cancer

I feel bad that I have not posted anything for a few days. I am writing my life story and that of my family in my pages and in addition I am publishing my romance novel chapter by chapter. All that ground to a halt over the last few day, nearly a week in fact. I have had cancer twice and in remission twice. The NHS has been wonderful. To keep my body in that status quo I have three monthly injections. Obviously I keep a diary record of when these are due but in any case my body seems to know when the next one is needed. I become more tired, less able to concentrate and I lose impetus. I was concerned that I was just being psychosomatic but I truly do feel all this. Thankfully, I had the injection yesterday and now although getting going late in the morning I can achieve more. I wanted to share this as I initially thought that being in remission would put everything back to 'normal' and I would be the old me. In fact, I am a new 'me' and I can see things more clearly. By that I mean connections with friends, people's agendas if they have one and what matters in life. I will go back to the Blog pages today or tomorrow but please do not feel you are alone if your feel down even though you are in remission.

Having cancer affects every part of your life. For a long time I did not know that I was developing cancer and by the time I had a test, I had almost left it too late. The feeling of being under par was diagnosed as Depression and Anxiety States. I went off work and my employer didn't take my illness seriously. It still grieves me that once I was diagnosed with cancer they called me in again and I was dismissed for failing to attend work. They even wanted me to go in to see them the day after I had treatment as though cancer treatment was like taking an aspirin. I wish they could accept the harm they did to me and try make amends. The employer finally accepted my having early retirement on grounds of ill health but it has been very hard. I was so affected by the cancer and the dismissal from my job that having sold my family home, I wasted money including buying a new car I didn't test drive and subsequently loathed and sold at a loss, I turned down the right home to buy which I still regret and I trusted the wrong people. I am now more settled and I have a life to live for and look forward to. I have even learnt to pace myself when doing jobs around the home. If you recognise any of these scenarios please know that you are not alone.

Valentine's Day 1971

At that time you could drive a three wheeled car from the age of 16. Originally the rules had been that it could not have reverse gear but that was changed and so in August 1970 I was the proud owner of a 1966 bright red Reliant Regal, Registration number PEV 74D. It is pictured below with the 16 year old me at the wheel.

I was very lucky to have the car and I drove to school and parked on the left hand side of front quad where the boys who had cars were allowed to park. The Masters and Mistresses parked on the right hand side of front quad. The boys at my school generally met up at a the Gaytime Coffee Bar (the name meant happy time then!) in Loughton with the girls from Loughton Girls school and Braeside in Buckhurst Hill. 
I didn't have a girl friend but my best friend at school did and so I drove from Abridge early in the morning to his home in Chigwell where he lived with his parents and brother and then we went on to Loughton to his girlfriend's home where she lived with her parents and sisters. My friend delivered his card and present and we returned to our homes.
The Valentine's card worked as they eventually married. Sadly he passed away some years ago.

A letter to Dad

Dear Dad, I have been thinking a lot about you recently. I want to thank you for the love you gave me. For your patience when I didn't like football, your love and care in showing me how to wallpaper with you - that was fun. For showing me the steam machine, for the lovely happy times at home. For understanding when I wasn't a tough man. For driving us to Lavenham when I was unhappy and for buying me that blue pullover. For making the wonderful layout boards for my toy cars and Lego houses. For taking me to lovely Grandma on a Saturday. For showing me the factory. For your part in my having the wonderful home in Hoe Lane; I still love that house and now that I am on my own I seek a home again. I believe that what I desire is mine. For your wonderful letter of encouragement and support which I still have. For the wonderful holidays you took Mum and me on; Spain, Italy, Switzerland - I am sorry I fell down that hill, Greece on my 13th Birthday, the trip to Yugoslavia whewn I was 17 or 18 and I drove your new car; the aptly named Triumph Dolomite . For the trip to the Moulin Rouge in Montmartre as part of my passage from boy to man. Had we been Jewish it would have been Bar Mitzvah. For upping sticks with the rest of us and moving to Suffolk when you were aging. I love you, I just wish I had said it to you. I went to the graves on Mum's birthday and planted a gold heather on yours and a purple heather on Mum's. It will be 20 years next year since you went away but my love is still here. Thank you for everything. Your loving son Johnnie xx

Blog Pages Index

I am now making progress with my blog.

• 'Time in the Sun' is my romantic novel which I am posting chapter by Chapter.
• Memories from Home are sections on memories arising as I sell things from my home on-line having downsized. 
• Addiction, Depression, New Life which is written from the heart to help others.
• The Red Carpet describes Mum, my partner and I walking the Red Carpet in 2004.
• Jottings of an Octogenarian was written by my Mum describing her life from 1916 to 2003 when she wrote it.    
• Photos are of family and events from the early part of the 20th century onward. 
• Art are paintings which form part of my story. There is art by Stuart Devereux, Sydney Kneller, Kathleen Shepherd and me.  
• My Life Story is building up to cover my life from 1954. 
• Pages to come are my Kids books, Self-help after Redundancy, Belief, my Grandfather's Rags to Riches and much more.

Mundane into Special

I have realised that wheat may appear to be mundane can in fact be special. I took a friend to the surgery today and he had a procedure performed on him. Whilst waiting I looked at one of the magazines. It had an article on the shops where I live. I was puzzled as it described a home-wares shop which has long gone and is now a food shop. I turned to the front on the magazine, it was dated 2007 and so is 11 years old!  It made me laugh.

There was a patient waiting in the surgery. She was probably anxious as when she caught sight of a person she knew the asked each other how they were to which both replied 'fine'. Hardly a reason to visit the surgery I thought. The waiting patient was so stressed that her voice came out all screechy like a a character in a pantomime. I wanted to comfort her but being English one doesn't talk to strangers. I just hope all went well for her. It did go well for my friend even though the procedure was painful.

After the appointment we went to the Supermarket as I wanted some non alcoholic wine and a couple of other things. Engaging with the check-out lady and general people watching made the event into something special. Thank you for a good day.

Writing from my Heart

I have just published a resume of my battles with cancer, the complete lack of care shown by my employer, my depression prior to diagnosis and my subsequent addiction to wine. I am now in remission again and don't drink alcohol. Having cancer has made me sort my life out. I hope that by writing from the heart, I can help others. 

Weekend of relaxation

Here it is, the evening and to my shame I haven't achieved anything I intended to do this weekend. Fitting the new outside light was postponed as it was so cold. Doing Art was similarly delayed although I could have brought the paints in from the garage which serves as my studio. I did look at the bulbs coming up in the garden and especially the courageous Snowdrops which are already up and are a harbinger of Spring to come. Mum loved Snowdrops as her birthday was in January.  Yesterday I fell in love; OK with a pair of leather sofas in the Hospice shop Warehouse sale. After much measuring and scratching of my head they just won't go in which is disappointing as their modern take on Art Deco is perfect. One thing I have achieved is another Chapter of my novel which is easier now that the blog and pages are sorted.

Another weekend, Sunday today and I woke early with the all too rare sunshine streaming through the blinds. Having got ready I took an early walk. I live near fields and decked out in Wellington Boots I have a lovely walk in the morning sunshine. The wind was, and still is, strong but I was well wrapped up with water proof jacket, gloves, scarf and cap. It was a lovely free spirited way to start the day.

Great meal

Lunch at the new Prado Lounge in Sudbury, Suffolk. Superb! We had Pulled Chicken and Chorizo Sausage Tapas to share with Patatas Bravas and Buttermilk Chicken with a Chipotle Mayo dip. All washed down by their excellent freshly squeezed orange juice and coffee. Excellent menu, great staff and superb surroundings.

Pages of Blog sorted

Today is the beginning of my new life. That is an exaggeration of course but truly it feels like that as my friend has spent a few hours sorting my blog as my pages were in such a muddle!